Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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