who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
