I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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