At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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