Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
