I love black thongs
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
