This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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