i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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