Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
