My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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