i wish my penis had a tongue
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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