if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
