remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
tonight lets celebrate not being married
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
