bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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