Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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