Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
