Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
