So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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