you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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