I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
