it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
