You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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