You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
