If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I forget how to act sober
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
