plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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