i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
