It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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