i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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