So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
