If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
