my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
