i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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