she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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