Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
