Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
