Pappa wants mamma naked
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
