If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
