plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
