Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
