One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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