last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
