He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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