some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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