I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
