for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
