Already got asked if we're dating
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
