Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
