She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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