i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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