I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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